My mom has a knack for becoming friends with the worst people in the world. Let’s talk about a few of them. The first terrible person I can remember her befriending was this old white trash lady who lived behind us. I think she was some sort of grifter or something. She would take us to a grocery store to get bread out of the trash. She always had some person to pick up lumber or hay from and trade for some other weird thing. She essentially used my mom like a work horse. She would come over the house at 6 am without warning and knock on the door. After awhile my mom started avoiding her because she was relentless. One day I remember her knocking on the door without stopping for like 10 minutes. My mom and me turned out the lights and were hiding. She started yelling “LAURIE!…LAURIE!!” She was moving around the house and knocking on every window and yelling the entire time. Then she opened our gate and went into our backyard and did the same thing. I think eventually, after a half an hour, my mom just gave up and went with her. I wish I knew what she said to her to explain why we didn’t answer the door for so long.

This is sort of how I remember her looking

   Sadly she was the least weird by far. My moms closest friend for most of my life was that lady’s daughter-in-law Sharon. Her son Tommy was an insane drug addict who once tried to kill some guy Sharon went to a casino with. When they got back, he shot the guy in the arm and dragged Sharon into the middle of the freeway and beat her up. He ended up going to jail for 25 years for that but only after Sharon tried to help him not go to jail by threatening this nice lady who was a witness to the crime. Also she smuggled drugs to him in prison. Even that story cannot express just how white trash these people were. For a time my family lived in a duplex with Sharon and her three kids on the other side. One of her kids, Little Tommy, was the worst behaving child I have ever seen or heard of. When he was about six he threw a hatchet at me. At around eight he got arrested for tying a mentally challenged boy to a tree and threatening to cut off his dick with a razor blade.  He also forced the same mentally challenged kid to suck another unwilling neighbor kid’s dick.  I think it was done at knife point.  The oldest boy once got caught stealing underwear from his friend’s mom.  Then they found like 50 pairs of ladies underwear under his bead.  Sharon’s terrible parenting had obviously given these kids some problems. She would scream at them all of the time. YOU LITTLE MOTHER FUCKERS! I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU! I don’t know what ended up happening to those kids but it cannot be good.

The yellow stuff is food.  She always had mustard around her mouth..ugh

Little Tommy

   Eventually Tommy sent some friend from prison to live with Sharon so she could help him get on his feet. Wanna take a guess what happened?  Sharon started sleeping with this new guy what seemed like immediately. I can’t remember his name for the life of me so lets just call him CrankShoot. It’s a good name because he was always shooting up crank and leaving needles on the shared walkway up to the duplexes. He also came with his mother who was literally a 55 year old prostitute who looked like a 95 year old prostitute. Neither of them were mentally there at all. Here are some examples of just how not ok they were. CrankShoot would masturbate in Sharon’s living room while his mother was watching TV with him. How do I know he did this? Because he did it while they had company, namely my mom. She would leave, obviously. Maybe he just didn’t know how to ask her to leave so he thought this would be a good way to “drop a hint”. His mother got put into a retirement home for a time. Yes, a retirement home at 55. She was that screwed up. She got kicked out for breaking into the pill closet and prostituting herself to the other people living there for pills. She would come over to “visit” my mom. All she would do while there is sit in the living room with me and all of my friends rocking back and fourth and moaning in a way that was disgusting because it sounded both painful and sexual. It was even worse than it sounds and she would literally do it for like three hours.

CrankShoot

   She was good for one thing, as far as I was concerned: She was sort of funny. Now I know I sound like a jerk for laughing at these people, clearly they have drug problems that probably stem from terrible childhoods and deep down are just sad. I know this and I do feel bad for them but my entire childhood was spent around these people. I got over the tragic aspect of it pretty quick. Also, as sad deep down as they are, they are also the worst people imaginable. Many of them were actual attempted murderers, which is pretty much a murderer as far as I am concerned. Back to CrankShoot’s mom. She was part of the funniest thing I ever saw in real life.

    One day in the middle of summer me and like sixish of my friends were having a squirt gun fight in the street. We were like 22 by the way but it was fun and I make no apologies. She came out and was asking us to shoot her. Most of us refused.  Most of us saw that she was not going to be a fun new addition to the activity. My friend Nick however thought she might and to his credit she sort of was. He started spraying her and she went into porn star mode. She started moaning and yelling “more, more”. It was gross, but pretty funny because she is not a sexual being at all in my mind. Nick happens to start shooting her in the face and she, I swear to god this is 100% true, starts acting like she is getting a money shot. The moaning gets worse and she is opening her mouth and… ugh, just gross. She keeps yelling “more”. Nick’s squirt gun was a special one that you can pump up and shoot out all of the water in the chamber at once in a huge gush. So Nick does just that at an insane point blank range right in her face. I would have considered this a bit cruel but she freaking loved it. Keep in mind as this was happening me and all my other friends were just standing around watching and it was not lost on us just how surreal this had gotten. It was the shared experience of the whole thing that made it so funny. How was it possible this was actually happening. I don’t know what happened to her, but dead from a drug overdose is the safe bet.

Misty water-colored memories

   I have so many stories but I will leave you with the last thing I remember happening with CrankShoot. Tommy was still in contact with Sharon and CrankShoot from prison and seemed to be ok with their relationship. Probably because he had an interest in being ok with it so he could keep getting drugs smuggled into prison. He eventually sent a new guy fresh out of prison to go stay with Sharon and CrankShoot. This guy was unsettling. He looked like Curly from the three stooges if he was a cranked out serial killer. One day he was there, CrankShoot was taking a shower, and serial Curly was making breakfast. CrankShoot came out of the shower and Curly stabbed him in the stomach, I think twice, and left. People at our house were up getting ready for work and heard Curly say “see you later” as he left. CrankShoot came up to our door naked and covered in blood for help. My friend Nietz was living with us at the time and just about a month earlier CrankShoot and him had an altercation that ended with Crankshoot banging on our door threatening to beat the shit out of him. So Nietz opens the door, sees the situation, and closes the door in his face. I still can’t believe he actually did that but it’s true. My mom ended up helping him and he lived, so no harm done. Except that the world is probably worse off with him in it, truly. I never found our for sure why this happened, but it seemed pretty obvious at the time that Tommy had sent the guy there to stab CrankShoot as revenge for him stealing the prize that is Sharon.

Serial Curly

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